They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
