I wannas sexs uuuuu
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
