Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
