Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
