a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
