Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
