I will die if light touches me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
