I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
