Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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