so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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