Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
