plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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