His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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