hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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