im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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