my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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