I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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