Is it because I queefed?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
