yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
