life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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