I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
