i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
