I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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