**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Small penises have feelings too.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
