I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
