Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
