I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
