you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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