I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
