Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
