The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
