I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
