Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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