I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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