i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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