And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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