omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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