Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Boobs are out for the taking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
