dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is wine microwaveable?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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