Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
