you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
