i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
