My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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