Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i now understand why vodka
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
