Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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