nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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