I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
