Please, let me fuck your mom
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
