The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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