I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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