I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
