Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
